everything except himself

Well, I got hit on kinda-sorta by another older woman today. If you don’t know the hilarious story from which my attractability to older women references, please read this: link.

On a completely different note, I leave you with this: link. Please make sure you have enough time to read the whole thing before starting. I doubt you’ll be able to pull yourself away once you’ve started reading this crazy, crazy steakhouse menu.

Today was kind of weird. People amuse me. How about this woman straight adjusted her rear-view mirror to check her hair. Mmhmm, not what that was meant for. Being self-conscious about a haircut like that is kind of useless, too. You would have had to see it.

I’ve found a new love for Maslow’s hierarchy of needs (link). Also, I finished the book I have been reading since the start of school. Yes, it’s more important, and, yes, this is like the 5th time I’ve read it through. I’m so glad I don’t have class on Fridays.

I would rather be fishing in the great expanse of your heart,
Where I am no more found than I was lost at the start.
I wish I had never met you in dreams and such fleeting things,
For vague and intangible is the song for whom my soul now sings.
I cast the lure into the deepest part of you,
And the line swaggers like one a seamstress drew.
Yet you are still so far from me,
As far as you will ever be.

I would rather be fishing in the great expanse of Nothingness,
Because it reminds me of you, I confess:
It is cold and dark from part to part,
For it has been empty from the very start.
It is a void that I would like to fill,
Just as I would like you to feel.
Yet you are still so far from me,
As far as you will ever be.

I would rather be watching clouds pass by,
Than forced to listen to your wicked sigh.
I go in search throughout the Night for something that is right,
But I am blinded evermore by your designs, so intensely bright.
They force me here to stand,
Caught in your very vicious demand.
For you are still so far from me,
As far as you will ever be.

And now I go to write a paper — I kid you not — about what I would do if aliens showed up near Jupiter. My solution, you ask? Call the world’s protector, of course! Not only can he save us from massive world destroying spaceships, he can also use a Cricket. Aliens? Not a problem: we got Will Smith!

Sucky job successfully quit. Now, taxes… 3 W2 forms. Hmm…

It’s times like these that I feel happy. My thoughts race on the winds of change to no particular place. They shift like clouds in the summertime. First, they shape like a dog or something, then they become a face. Even then, still they change to something different. It’s not an act of will; my thoughts just move from one thing to the next. Watching as the shapes pass over my head, I feel like I’m waiting for fulfillment in all of it. Fulfillment is my Godot, and it has always been on its own time-schedule.

I have a professor who, being so tall, often consults the ceiling tiles for ideas. He yells a lot and sometimes seems, as though being too tall, to tip and sway such that he needs to brace himself on a wall. I think, perhaps, he has been burdened with a short attention span and the double-edged attribute of over analysis to such an extreme that the aspect in question gets churned over and over again. I can’t say I like that class.

I have another professor who yells a lot; he’s the teacher for the class on Management. He lives in his own world, taken in by money and pumped full of “buzzwords.” These infamous Buzzwords travel in swarms, like locusts, making an indistinguishable wall as I am confronted with them. I would put an industrial strength bug zapper to good use, but I fear that man’s life would also be swallowed up with them. I learn well from extremists, too. Talk to zealots and listen for “the best” whatever. Should you ever need something like that, now you know. No class should ever need 2 breaks within the time of its duration, though.

The only other interesting professor I have is a man who isn’t sure of anything. Let’s forget about him for now, though. There’s a girl who transfered into his class that I’m interested in. It’s strange to look up and see someone looking back at you, watching. Yet, there she was. It probably doesn’t mean anything, though, right? Fast forward to the next day. We’re told to get in groups, and I happen to end up in the group she’s in. For whatever reason, she pays me more attention that anyone else in the group — no, I know what you’re thinking, and it’s not because I was making a fool of myself — so much so that one of the other guys gave me the raised eyebrow as if to say, “Dude, what’s up with that?” I suppose that it’s foolish to think that love is something that picks and chooses. I found myself thinking, “Morgan, huh…”

“… nothing… and it seems to me as if our life will come to the same condition, where there was something there will be nothing. But that terrible blue glare on the opposite side is exactly like the eye of fate. It accuses us, and demands what we have made of our life, which is no more. At the same time, it is grand and joyful. The joy consists in this — this is in our power to give freely what will later on be taken from us by force… I feel that the only thing worth living for is to be so magnanimous that fate itself will be astonished with us…”

That’s why David Lindsay’s A Voyage to Arcturus is my favorite book.

I’m quitting my job, and I’m glad I have no 8am classes this semester.

It’s killing me inside. I don’t wanna be here even now. Somethin’ isn’t right. I… I want to do things right, but they just kind of come out wrong. I’m sure the only person I hurt is myself. The thing is, though, that I feel helpless to change, I guess. I’m at a school I don’t like, a job I hate, and a time schedule that keeps me constantly dazed from lack of sleep. I guess it’s just time to make up my mind. This life is driving me insane right now.

“Well, what would you do if you did have time?” That’s not exactly what I mean. What I need is something like a restructuring. I take pride in two things: 1, being able to make people happy and, 2, making or doing things well, like drawing or music. I really have time for neither one of those things, and none of those needs are fulfilled in anything I do right now, not really. This isn’t one of those silently suffer things; I’m not so weak as to not take what’s been handed to me into my own hands. I just need to use it better, so I feel good about all of it.

In other news, I got sick over New Year’s. I didn’t feel bad at all until the Friday before, so I guess someone I was hanging out with was sick, too. Lame. Off to class now…