everything except himself

My transfer application to Georgia Tech got rejected. In order to attend in the Fall 2007 semester, I have to take a 4-hour Chem. lab course. Last year, if you didn’t know, I took a 4-hour Phys. lab course. Whoops! Expect me there in the Fall, you know, if I pass Chemistry and all. Sorry to get some of your hopes up and then just dash them. I was pretty bummed about it, too, though. Oh, well.

A lot of things have been going on in my life, lately! Sometimes it’s hard to grasp for me. Heh, if you had told me that I’d be here in a place like this in my life, I wouldn’t have believed you. Complications are the bane of happiness. However, I think that the true problem in my life right now is laziness. That’s what has gotten me into trouble, being slack where I ought to be taut. Yes, that’s definitely my problem now, but something I’ve come across in all of this is that problems are only problems as long as you let them be. Today, I can name it “obstacle,” and I can climb it. What do you supposed I’ll see at the top of this mountain? Will it be how far I’ve come that I’ll see? Maybe I’ll realize that there are other challenges that need to be mounted, and I will surmount any deterrent in my way, instead of being conquered into a state of complaceny: “How did I love this life so dishonest? / It made me compromise…” I used to be a very willful person; I’m not now. That may be the only thing I really regret in my life. It sounds weird, but it’s true.

So, here in California, we’re going to a Giants’ baseball game on Monday. On Tuesday, I’ll be on my way back to Georgia. I can’t wait to sleep in my room again… and listen to music… and be able to play my guitar… (this could go on for a while)

I’ve told more than one of you this, but I miss my guitar. I mean, I really miss it. Maybe on some level, I just miss music. I didn’t bring any of my CDs with me on the trip because I thought I wouldn’t need them. I can’t wait to be back in Georgia! Woah, can’t believe I just said that…

I’m still in California. I just spent 3 days in Los Angeles. It was pretty cool to see all the things around there. Well, I mean, the few things I got to see of that city were cool. I don’t have pictures of any of it, except this art museum called the “Getty Center.” Those were taken with my phone, though. It is a pretty amazing place. We went down to the pier at Santa Monica, too. Again, only phone pictures, but I’ll definitely post those later.

I feel differently about some things now. Mostly, I still want school to start again… It’s weird saying that, but it’s true. I want to leave things while they’re okay, because I don’t think there’s any way that they’ll get better. It’s just not that type of thing. Like staying too long a party you weren’t invited to, I feel that heavy gaze on my back. It makes me feel like shedding whatever facades or inhibitions I have toward those people. It makes me want to look and say that, “I am who I am, and you’re not me. You don’t even know anything about me. (etc.)”

I feel better. I was kind of depressed because of the things that are going on in my life. It wasn’t necessarily the events themselves so much as the feelings that I still held. It hurt, but there is this cliche: “You don’t know what you got ’til it’s gone.” It’s true. I didn’t know what I had, but not in the sense that that is usually taken. I fell in love with a dream girl. That person doesn’t exist. Like a girl a long time ago said that liked me. “You’ve erased me.” While she shouldn’t have been — she was nice, mind you — this needs to be erased. It’s not just simply so I can move on, but it’s also so I can let go of whatever ill feelings I have toward the people involved. In a similar way, if I am to be forgiven for whatever it is that I did, I need to be able to accept it.

I wanted an apology; I don’t want it now. This has been a lesson in learning to accept that other people are other people, regardless of how you would handle a situation. If I did some wrong to you, I’d apologize. That’s not everyone, and I’m just now seeing this. My eyesight is bad. People are people. In the same way, I am who I am. I have sometimes felt awkward when hearing people talk about things. I would think to myself how I must be missing out on something. That’s wrong; that’s absolutely wrong. It took someone else saying it for me to understand it, though, so this was not the extent of my character — I have seen the end of my own character on more than one occasion; I am nowhere near close furnishing that kind of statement. “That’s not me,” he said. It’s not me, either.

Take it. Take all of it. You go be whoever you are. If that’s part of you, then so be it. I’m sorry for you if you are like me, except you gave in and found what you didn’t want again. That’s who you are. Who knows you? You’re just a walking suggestion, taking everyone else’s opinions for truth. I don’t think I’ve heard a single original thing from your mouth. You are a Picasso painting without the intellectual clammor. People will hang you up on their wall, and they will sell you off. You want to be adored, and they can find the currency to buy you with. You’re always up for sale. The biggest bid will take you in, but it will only be until another comes along. I can’t believe you were ever a favorite painting of mine… Look, your nose is off center. Oh, and your butt is dragging. Your hair is dodgy, and your eyes are crooked. What did I find appealing about you? Maybe all of the color just blinded me to you, but I can see what I bought and the price I paid when you were purchased from me. I didn’t even have the chance to hang you up. For your sake, I hope you find a mantle piece that suits you, however lop-sided and gaudy it may turn out to be. You deserve it.