everything except himself

Well, as of 4:30am this morning, I’m off to California. Details later.

edit: Delayed until 9pm tonight.

Well, there’s not much happening in my life lately. I mean, I don’t feel like explaining it in any detail. Basically, something that could have gone really well got ruined by someone I really don’t like. My parents don’t like the way she acts, either, because she uses people. The other girl that was with us thinks the same way about her. This girl doesn’t think she’s doing anything wrong. Pfft, people… geez. The good thing, though, is that, after I quit my job, I won’t have to see these people again. I’ve tried fixing it, so there’s nothing but space now that I want. I just need to keep my mouth shut until I’m able to get that space.

In other news, I got a sunburn. I’m at that awkward peely stage now, but that’s almost over, too. The thing that got ruined was supposed to be a pool party. Incidentally, that’s where I got the sunburn from.

Hmm, well, the way my love life is laid out right now is this… There is a girl who has liked me for a long time. She’s watched me date two other girls during this time. I don’t like her like that, though, even though she’s the kind of person you can actually have a relationship with. She’s seven years older than I am, though. I mean, I’d rather just be friends. She’s another person that will get left behind with the job, if nothing changes right now. That’s really not what I want, but we’ll see I guess.

This was the product of me getting bored while trying to work on something serious. It started out as a sketch on lined paper.

In the end, it’s all okay. Why? Simply because it’s the end. Something can be ending, but, up until the very end, you’ve still got a chance to alter the flow of events, right? At the end, you have to accept it for what it is. I think, in truth, ends prepare us for the beginnings of new things.

Anyway, I got my hair trimmed today. I’m growing it out. *smirk*

Ice cold jazz from the sea
Flowing from the resonant cup into me.
You can hear the man’s sadness in the sax.
His triumph is blaring from the trumpet,
As all the rules are made lax
When he pours his soul into it.

Burning desire from the sky,
Like a divine wind from up high…
You can see the man’s “all or nothing” eyes;
His back is turned on this life.
You can watch as he silently dies,
Blood dripping from cool reality’s knife.

But the man is humming,
Begging to be heard:
La da da da da - a - a…
And he is forever running,
Looking for the song’s word:
La da da da da - a - a…

Senseless violence: Man Kills Friend Acting Out Rap Song.

Well, I hung out with a few of my friends this week. One of them is off to New York for the summer. In turn, I’ll be spending more time with the things that I’m working on now.

My karma was in the red. How red, you ask? Have I got a story to tell you…

After work, I was taking one of my friends from work home, along with an ex of mine. I’m dropping my friend off first, but on the way we pass this woman who’s got her thumb out to hitch a ride. I pass her at first, ask if it’s cool with everyone if I pick her up, and then she gets in the car.

“Where are we going,” I say.

“You guys are really cool I appreciate this”

“Which way am I turning?” She’s clearly drunk.

“I live in Roswell turn right”

After driving for a ways, we pass the Greystone Power building. That was the turn. As I’m turning around through the parking lot, the Incubus song “Drive” starts playing. “Wow, this is an awesome song for this…” I remark, turning the radio up.

“Turn it all the way up(!)” As I’m singing along with the song… “Y’all are cool right(?) [Yeah, we’re cool.] you ain’t never killed nobody I killed a man once he was black” What!?

We drive on, and this really cool song starts playing… “Turn it up(!) can I party with you guys some more” Insert unanimous silent “No!” here. “You guys know I got a car and a house [We know.] I ain’t homeless” She was worried that we thought badly of her. “My kids were supposed to pick me up but I guess they fell asleep or something” Now, that does suck. “I always said god was on my side” God definitely has a sick sense of humor, as you’ll see shortly…

“Is this the turn?” I ask.

“Yeah how’d you know” It would have been rude to say that she had just said that that intersection was the turn… “That’s the house on the left”

I pull up. She gets out, saying, “Scott, I gotta see your face” I roll the window down. “I gotta pay you somethin’ I got a twenty right here” She gives me the twenty, even though I try to refuse. “I got more” With the thought that she had mentioned having kids, when she leaned in and hugged me I thought “motherly,” but when she kissed me on the side of my face I guessed otherwise. My friend is laughing now, until she reaches in for him. He tries to refuse, but he gets the same treatment. She goes for me again, but this time she kisses me on the lips and I feel like a prostitute, holding the twenty. “How old are you [18.] 19(?) [18.] you’re always welcome to my house if you want some forty year old booty I’m forty you know where I live” I get the sex-assualt hug again. “Thank you guys I really appreciate this” I’m holding a convulsion in as I roll the window up and drive off. The whole car busts into a disheveled laughter, with concerns like “Do you even know how to get out of here?” and “Dude, I am so sorry for you.”

“Ugh…” That’s me reminding myself that suicide isn’t an option with other people in the car. I’m trying to ignore the taste of beer on my lips now.

“Dude, when we get to my house you can totally borrow some mouth wash.” You don’t know how much I was looking forward to that… “Man, that’s so wrong…” When we finally make it back to his house, I think I washed my mouth out for a solid 5 minutes… The end.

Karma: 0. I wonder what I did so wrong, though? It must have been something awful that I don’t know about. Geez…

So, here I am, a few minutes from working again. At least I don’t work on Sundays. I’m losing myself again to depression. No, not “Depression.” It sickens me to know what some people call “disease.” Call it what it is! It’s a problem. You need to do something about it, but writing it off as something you can’t control is just… It’s irresponsible! I’ve been sad on and off for some decisions I’ve made recently. I’ve lost a family member, a relative. I’ve probably lost a friend. I’m going to lose some dignity and a few cool points; I’m probably in the negative for karma about now. I’ve got a problem I don’t know how to fix, though, so what do I do? I face it, but I lose the face off every single time. How can I keep smiling when the situation sucks so badly? I don’t like it. It’s not cool being treated badly, but it’s been happening a lot lately. I guess this is one of those “Grow up!” moments, though. I’m trying again today, but that’s been my stratedgy from day one.