everything except himself

*VROOOOOM* (sound of plane flying over SPSU to get to Dobbin’s Airforce Base)

*eyes W I D E N I N G* (audible sound of Scott’s eyes opening in disbelief)

*WOOSH* *FWOOP* *SWISH* *CLICK* (sound of Scott hurredily dressing and running out of his room with his project… for a class that had about 3 minutes left in it)

Well, I didn’t exactly run, but that’s pretty much how it was this morning. I guess I needed the sleep and forgot to set the alarm clock? Hmm, oh, well.

So, I don’t have any class today! I got soaked going back to my room after lunch, though it wasn’t really a bad thing. Perhaps it was an omen? See, it was weird yesterday. She actually talked to me. I mean, yeah, it was just a text message to say that she’d be coming back to work this Friday, but it was her not me this time. I already knew that she was coming back through our mutual friend, and I’m pretty sure she knew that, too. I think part of it had to do with finding out that I had deleted her number, again through our mutual friend. She seemed kind of vengeful when she mentioned it after telling me she’d be coming back. I was pretty psyched about it, though. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want her to be in pain/hurt/sad/etc. Think “Taming of the Shrew,” just without actually wanting the girl now. I mean, I won’t lead her on or anything, I just feel that, after having a basically one-sided relationship with her in everything, it would be cool if I could get her to want it to be two-sided. That’s all.

So, she’s coming back to work this week. It’s gonna be interesting. I have no intention of making it weird, but, since she doesn’t talk to me at all, she wouldn’t know that. She’ll probably make it way more awkward than it needs to be. Oh, well.

Apparently, I’m a slut, though. A few of my work friends hang out after work (1AM-ish) and we talk/listen to music/chill in the parking lot. This last weekend, it was just me and another girl, though, so rumors are spreading that we’re messing around. What ever happened to people just being friends? Hmm, whatever. It’s kind of funny, but that will probably spread to people who will mess things up. Since Sara will be back, I’ll probably just get to hang out with the rest of the group, since Meagan will be her ride. Oh, well, there’s always Summer.

So, I’m standing in line to get dinner and this guy turns to me, “Did you go to Chapel Hill?” I must have given him a pretty strong “should I know you?” look because then he said, “Oh, I didn’t go there, but I used to hang out with a lot of people there. You looked familiar. Becca Pace…”

“Becca…” I grin.

“Yeah, I actually talked to her recently. She’s not doing so hot at UGA. She parties too much.”

“I don’t think it’ll be a problem. Her parents are kind of loaded.”

In other news, my only Friday class is over… so I don’t have to stay on campus Friday anymore! Huzzah! Ahem… It was a cool class, though. I learned a lot of stuff about history and how people purposely lie about it. Unfortunately, I also found out my CS class will be having a test on the day that the finals are being held… That means I actually have to stay up here those three days, instead of just coming up here for my one-and-only final: Physics (which is on Wednesday). Lame…

So! Today was really great. I got a little lost on the way up there, but I guess that’s normal with me. If you haven’t been following along, I volunteered with this group called Center for Family Resources to help move furniture. Here’s the background on that…

The non-profit organization basically rents appartments (they’re nice, though, geez) and provides housing for the homeless. They just got a few more apartments in this apartment complex as they opened up (people left), so they were filling the apartments with furniture. It was 5 loads (I was there for 3) each having a couch, chair (like living room-style), dinner table, chairs for the table, two twin beds, and one master bed.

Now, the reason why I’ll be volunteering all through the Summer is really solidified. People are great. There was this one guy I didn’t like too much, but I don’t know how to explain it. The rest were awesome. There were these two brothers (they were actually getting paid as day laborers, though they just randomly chose that job out of having nothing to do) who were just hilarious. They were both graduates of great colleges, but neither of them wants to keep a corporate job. They just don’t like it. Ah, but how cool these guys were will just get lost in me trying to explain it. They were both early thirties.

There was a girl there. I can already see why my new “older woman” policy will come crashing down. Older women like to drink… a lot! Sheesh, well, maybe in a few years when I can actually drink with them. She was nice, and I’m glad I went just for that.

Everyone else is pretty lackluster to those three, but it was cool nonetheless. I’ve got some scrapes on my arms, and I don’t think my hands will be smooth after this Summer. It feels good, though. I mean, I really don’t care about my hands. I just meant that… Ah, forget it.

So, those two brothers said I (and everyone else working ) should join them Sunday night at this tavern, which is really close to where I live. They even said they’d pay for my drinks. Man, I know it’s not something I’d want to do, though. I mean, I’d rather hang with friends than people I don’t know. Plus, I guess I’m emotionally injured right now. No, not from the break-up. I’m just looking for something… I don’t know what right now, though. Maybe I just need to fix my habit of avoiding my friends fort now.

Put your music on shuffle and hit forward once with each question. Don’t lie! (Some are fudged for not having titles…)

How am I feeling today?
Wild Arms - Funeral March (instrumental)

Will I get far in life?
Goldfinger - Superman

How do my friends see me?
Tsuneo Imahori - Permanent Vacation (instrumental)

Where will I get married?
Tantric - Breakdown (?)

What is my best friend’s theme song?
Rise Against - Blood to Bleed (!)

What is the story of my life?
Rufus Wainwright - Poses (definitely)

What was highschool like?
Kajiura Yuka - hear our prayer (instrumental)

How can I get ahead in life?
Schiager, Halgeir - If You Still Believe

What is the best thing about me?
Our Lady Peace - Sorry

What is today going to be like?
Default - Wasting My Time (mhmm…)

What is in store for this weekend?
Tosihiko Sahashi - NATURE (instrumental)

What song describes my parents?
Michiko Naruke - Western Village (instrumental)

To describe my grandparents?
*Invisible Motion (instrumental)

How is my life going?
Jimmy Eat World - My Sundown

What song will they play at my funeral?
Michiko Naruke - Wavering Feelings (instrumental)

How does the world see me?
Darangen - Forsaken World (instrumental)

Will I have a happy life?
Outlaw Star - Another Day

What do my friends really think of me?
At the Drive-In - Hourglass

Do people secretly lust after me?
Kajiura Yuka - Ship of Fools (instrumental)

How can I make myself happy?
Coheed and Cambria - Wake Up

What should I do with my life?
Namco - Destiny Awaits No One (instrumental)

Will I ever have children?
Snow Patrol - Whatever’s Left (?)

What is some good advice for me?
Masaharu Iwata & Hitoshi Sakim - Hero’s Theme (instrumental)

How will I be remembered?
Yellowcard - Breathing (nice…)

What is my signature dancing song?
Billy Joel - Piano Man (!)

What is my current theme song?
Lifehouse - Sick Cycle Carousel (pretty much…)

What does everyone else think my current theme song is?
Daisuke Ishiwatari, Koh-Ichi S - The Original (haha…)

What type of men/women do you like?
Daft Punk - Harder Better Faster Stronger (Neptunes Remix)

Wow, that was out of 2,350 songs. Some artists got picked twice! Geez, I guess Winamp’s shuffle just sucks… Oh, well.

Well, I feel better about all that’s happened now. I mean, at least I know why now. It’s because, right now, she can’t handle a relationship. That’s what she said. She also said that I deserve better. I was thinking about it, and, often times, what I want isn’t what I “deserve.” I thought, “Yeah, she doesn’t want me. I’ll move on.” Look, though. I was thinking about it, and I really want to get back together with her. It’s not a convenience thing, like, I’m too lazy to find someone else. It’s not an obsession thing. It’s a she’s-really-what-I-want thing. If she doesn’t want me, though, then that’s that.

Even though it looks like I won’t spend it with anyone in particular, I ‘m looking forward to the summer. I’m really going to make an effort to volunteer and stuff. Out of depressive compulsion, I volunteered to help move furniture and stuff next Thursday. I’m looking forward to it! Will I meet someone new there? Probably not, but it’ll feel good to help out. I think that’s how I’ve decided to fill the gap for now. Everything I do seems to have an inward focus; it’s time I spread out. Of course, what you don’t know, is that I had planned to do this kind of stuff together with my girlfriend. It’s okay, though. It’ll give me a lot of excuses to ask off of work, which means that I won’t get stuck in one kind of schedule. We’ll see how it goes.

I’m actually in a pretty good mood. Since Summer’s coming, maybe I’ll relax a little bit and drop the serious act early. Well, maybe that’s just my response to being dumped. I dunno. I’ve got plans for this summer, and we’ll see how they turn out. Maybe I’ll join the Peace Corps. or something… Eh, well, I need a change, and this is my first step. The Dance ended abruptly, so my dancing shoes now become that of a workman, an artisan of peace. I think I’d rather dance while working, though.

She broke up with me on Sunday. If it makes her happy, I’m glad. It hurts, though. I mean, yeah, it was three months, and I can point out the rocky times. What really hurts, though, is saying that maybe she just needs a break from me. Things she takes breaks from completely bore her. That hurts. I’m not reading too much into it. That’s exactly what that means, and it hurts. It hurts.

I don’t know what I want to do now. I know she cares about me, but she doesn’t love me, though she says she did. I’m not bitter about that. If it was meant at the time, that’s all you can ask. She said that maybe it’s because of all the stuff that’s going on in her life right now. She’s very independent, (or wants to be) but I don’t think that’s the reason (wanting to take this stuff by herself) that she broke up with me. If it comes down to it, I think she thought I was someone else to begin with.

She still wants to go to the beach with me. Do you know how much of a problem that will be? She’s going to see me on Friday. I said that she should, since she’d be up there, but I really won’t be looking forward to seeing her again. It’s not a bitter kind of thing, but, look, I still love her. What can I do? I can’t hold on to this forever. There’s so much I thought I wanted in her, though. Thinking that what awaits is someone better (read “different”) than her is weird to me. I’m not big on “let’s get back together”’s. If you don’t want to be with me, you don’t want to be with me. To put me through it more than once is wrong.

The thing that would make me feel better about all of this is if I knew why she broke up with me. I mean, what was it? I want to know so I can move on. Like I said, I can’t keep this forever. I’m going to have to let it go and fade into the love one has for a friend. Don’t get me wrong, I still want to be friends with her. It’s just, well, I really thought I had something, and now I don’t.

She’ll probably keep the stuff that I’ve written her, but I think it would be better if she burned it soon. It would be weird for me if she actually gets the tattoo I drew. It’s a tree with arms, (reverse of a tree hugger) but what matters is that I drew it. I hope she decides against it. If she doesn’t want me, I don’t think I need to be a part of her. Do I? Even though, at the time, I was so excited about finishing that drawing, I kind of hope it gets trashed.

Last night, I laughed until I started crying. Not in front of her, though. I kept my composure until I made it to my dorm room (~1 hour later). I couldn’t sleep for a long time. I told her that I didn’t think a break from me will help make her feel any better about me, and that was that. Then I laugh-cried some more. I want her to be happy, and that doesn’t involve me being her boyfriend.

I’m looking forward to the future, though, and I know that I want to move out of this state. No, not because of her, but I really felt like I need a change yesterday. I’ve been here too long. I’ll finish up school here, but then I’m gone. I’m not really gone, either, since I’m just going somewhere else. I was thinking west coast or Canada (east-ish coast). I want to snowboard in my off-time. I want to dress warmly. I want to be somewhere where race isn’t an issue. I want to find someone else to spend my life with. I want to fix some of the problems in my life. I want to get away from here. I want to move on. I want to… I want everything to be right. Not in a judicious manner, but I want everything to be the way it’s supposed to be. I realize that that’s the way it happens, so I want to be able to accept that more than I already can. I want the people in my life to be happy, and I want direction. I want to know what I need to do in life. I want to know what direction I should go. Walking in that way isn’t hard, is it? Of course, I’m sort of lazy, so maybe it would be. I want to be thrown face first in the direction I should go! That’s the kind of direction I need now. Actually, what I want to do is help people, like soup kitchen style, like being there for them. That’s what I want. I’ll have to find something like that to do here.