everything except himself

I think, often times, we become accustomed to things, even things that hurt, but, when the situation changes, old wounds seem to freshly open. I’d gotten used to only seeing my girlfriend two to three days a week, that only on the weekend. Now, it’s going to change. I will only get to see her once, maybe twice, a week. Of course, I knew this was a long-distance relationship to begin with, but it’s still kind of painful, wanting to be with her but not being able to do such a thing. What I fear most of all, I suppose, is that the farther apart we are day-wise, the more, I think, she may decide — or, worse, I may decide — that it would be better to just be friends. Admittedly, there’s very little intimacy between the two of us because of the type of relationship this is.

Granted, it won’t stay like this forever, and it’s not as though I’ve given up hope of seeing her. For instance, she’ll be with me for Valentine’s Day weekend. We’re going to a concert on her birthday in March. I’ll probably end up at her track meets, if I’m able to do that. The situation is different now, though. It’s… well, I guess I won’t really know how I feel until it happens (a couple of weeks from now). It’s not as though I don’t feel like she’s a part of my life, but there’s someting seriously missing with a person’s physical absence in your life. I was told once that, in a long-distance relationship, you have to trust each other 100%, and I agree with that, though, I admit, I was jealous for a while regarding a certain situation. We all know she has nothing to fear, what with the loyal kind of guy I am and all. I guess this a point at which our relationship will grow from or around.

What can I say, but last week was pretty hectic. Lots of things are happening. I’ve got a lot of deadlines and stuff. Ignoring that, I think that this is a turning point in my life. Some days I feel like conquering the world. It’s not that I could, but I feel like I want to try. It wouldn’t be from any feelings of greed, power, or wonder-lust; it would be for completeness. We’re not talking dictatorship; we’re talking enlightenment. You can give it a different name, though: happiness; it’s the same thing.

I used to have a strong will, but age has worn that edge down. Can the blade be made sharp again? I think this is the turning point. All of the things I’ve fallen into and all of the things I’ve fallen away from, I’m deciding what’s right and wrong. I’m deciding what I want, and what I want is to be right. If “right” is a point of contention for you, then consider the word “just.” Instead of being weak and lazy, I’m going to be focused and active. It appears already that there are footsteps that make a path ahead of me.

In other news, I’m planning on going to the “The Subways” concert at the Loft. That’s March 1st. They’re a band from the UK, but I really like the way they sound. Well, the one song of theirs that I’ve heard. Oh, well, it coincidentally falls on my girlfriend’s birthday, and it seems too perfect to be true. Of course, it would be a school night, so my plans may be dashed from the get-go. I hope not, though. She’d love the concert, and I know I would, too.

School’s back in, and I missed the first two days of it. I thought it would start on a Monday. Nope. Wrong. It started on a Thursday, so I started behind on Monday. It’s better the way it is, than if I had wasted those two days here instead of what I did. I’m kind of depressed, though, about how much money I’ve had to spend on books, parking, etc. It’s lame, and I was feeling really bad about for a while. I think I’m over it now. (The stupid bank didn’t have ATM deposit envelopes so I could actually put money into my account, either.)

The 14th of February is Valentine’s day. So, what have I done? Valentine’s Day candy: check. CD with a meaningful song on it: check. CD by an artist I have no clue about: need to find it somewhere, maybe FYE or Best Buy (Best Buy had it, and now so do I). More Valentine’s Day candy: Target didn’t have what I wanted, maybe Kroger? (Kroger had the stuff. Too bad I wasn’t thinking that Queen Anne’s aren’t individually wrapped, so I guess I’ll have to do that one separately.) Cellophane for the wrapping: check, but Party City has to be the messiest store I’ve ever seen. Valentine’s Day card: uhm, this is going to be difficult. Anyway, so that’s how it stands right now. (Additional items: red and white paint, paint brushes, and cardboard.)

I finished a project I’ve been working on since mid-December, so that’s a little more money. Oh, well.

Winter break is over now. Hmm, I feel like a river, but I’m frozen; I’m me, but I’m not me. Like hidden gusts of warm air in a Winter’s storm, it is still very alive under the iced surface. Part of me has to sleep for now, but I look forward to the Spring, when this ice melts and I am awaked from sleep. With full force I will race into the sea, into the ocean of life. For now, I must sleep, lest I flood the unsuspecting country with myself. For now, I must sleep… sleep.