everything except himself

Today, I was depressed. I shouldn’t be; I spent yesterday evening with a girl I really care about. I had fun, and so did she. She makes me happy, and I hope that I do the same for her.

I am jealous. Today she is spending her time with a guy from her past. I told myself that I wouldn’t get jealous, but it’s like this sick stomach pain that I can’t get rid of at all. We compare ourselves to people in this situation. We look for someone to say something like, “Oh, but you are soooo much better than that person.” We try to reassure ourselves that there is NO way that this person we love would go back to someone like that, more importantly, to leave us. That’s what guys do, and I’m jealous of that guy, whether I should be or not.

I want so badly for some promise that I’m not just being strung along. I have thought about the phrase “I love you,” but it isn’t something that I casually drop. I don’t want it to be casually dropped by her either, though she has already said that touchy-feely things are difficult (read “foreign”) to her, so I don’t think the second consideration is to be worried over. It’s not like she’s even being unfaithful; I’m just jealous for no reason. I’m just… well, I just wish that I didn’t care so much about one of the girls in my past. I know that something (whatever that is) is still there, waiting for her. It’s worrisome to know that I still care about a girl who walked ALL over me.

Perhaps focusing on what I like about the girl instead will alleviate this ulcer. I like how, even though she’s gorgeous, she’s modest. I like how she’s open with things, even though maybe she should keep quiet about some of it to some people. I like how she smiles; I like how she laughs. I like her when she’s embarassed or flattered. I like how she’s considerate of other people and other things. I like how she tries to be so independent, and I like helping her when she can’t be. I like her eyes and the color of her hair. I like her taste in clothing and in music. I like how she always seems so care-free and not self-interested. I like it when she says that I’ve made her day better, when she’s down. I like her unmistakable voice. I like her whispering in my ear. I like her innocence and the way she always tries to brighten my day. I’d really like it if I wasn’t still jealous, though.

Different approach to hair (tell me what you think): Hair WIP #001.

I’ve been sick since Wednesday. I went to work anyway, because I wouldn’t get to see the girl I like otherwise for two weeks! I got to spend most of Saturday with her, but then, around 10pm, I couldn’t cover up that I really was sick anymore. I felt so disgustingly bad. I mean, it’s like someone turned a 3-legged blender on inside my stomach that wobbled on the “mix” setting. I still don’t feel that great, but at least I don’t have to work until this weekend, and then that is only for a day.

I’m really happy with how today turned out, though. I got to eat dinner with the girl I’ve been talking about. At first, I thought that I wouldn’t even get to see her today, since I still feel pretty bad. I’m glad it worked out how it did. I’m still looking forward to Christmas.