everything except himself

Peace is on my windshield, and Hope is at my side. Her name is always just behind me, and I hear it in the air. Yet, I still am not comfortable with who I am. I think of things I want to do, and, for every one thing, there are 10 things I can find wrong. I’m not a pretty boy, and — I’m not saying she’s shallow — I think of how I wish I was better. No, I’m fine with how I am for me; don’t get me wrong there. It’s not that I want things to be perfect, but I don’t want her to look back and say something like, “Dude, I can’t believe I liked you,” or “We should have just been friends.” I feel like I’ve let so many people down as it is, not making the effort to keep up or other things.

Then there’s her friend, who has all but said that she wants me. Well, that doesn’t sound quite right. I think it’s just awkward right now because she sees in me some of the things she wishes that her boyfriend did/was. She said that personality counts a lot, but, really, don’t lie to me, looks count, too. If they didn’t count, then why are there words like ‘attractive’ and ‘hot’? Then she says that I’m ‘attractive-ish’. I got a laugh out of that one. I’m waiting for, “Hey, you’re average. It’s okay, though, because your personality makes up for it.” Mmm, right, so I’m the proverbial hunchback. Let’s see… I like cold nights, ringing church bells, oh, and gargoyles! I’m the hunchback for you!

It’s something completely different with her, though. Granted, I’m still getting to know her, but she makes me happy. She tells me that I’m ‘awesome’. It’s not like I’ve got an ego about it… I’m glad she likes me. I think too many times we fall through the cracks of love, where someone likes someone but they like someone else. I think about her constantly, and I want her to be happy. I want her to smile, but she doesn’t smile the same way to everyone. She also doesn’t always say what she feels. She told me once that she just lets everything pile up until it gets to be too much, then she’s sad and depressed. She’s also said that I make her feel better about things. It’s hard to explain, but I like this feeling of being wanted. Don’t get me wrong, I know other people want me, but it’s a different feeling for the person you romantically care about.

I’m looking forward to Christmas. This is the first time in 3 years that I’ve bought something for someone I love. It just didn’t work out that Christmas of my freshman year, but here I am again at a freshman year! This is like a foil in real life, but I guess I’m just strange like that. She told me once that I wasn’t real, maybe that just means I’m what she’s been dreaming of…

Sometimes, I want the world to stop. Would you believe that it stops for me sometimes? I look down at my cellphone then away, only to look back again and find that it’s the same time as when I first looked, but, in the space of those lengthy seconds, I melt into the air. I look down from between the Lion and the Scales, and I see into the depths, until I come crashing back into reality.

Here now is a heavenly message, traveling across the earth. Around me now it sings, and my soul is lifted but not into the sky as I am wont to lift myself. I Spring to chase after it, and it grants me my chase. It looks back and dances around me, but I am dancing, too. Entwined, we Fall, yet, somewhere between us, we Fall apart for a while. Like waves crashing on an inviting shore, we part and return, neither pursuing each other but bound simply by some Gravity, a light and unseen force that pulls things together. I can see sand in her hair, and this perfume is the smell of the sea…

What do you call this… Coincidence, or is it something Star-Crossed? This is your telescope, but to discern the heavens is, at length, endless. Here is your Divine Word: “love,” something I never thought I would understand. Let me go now into the Night. In such sweet drunkeness, let me embrace the World I have come to know. Who is your Sun, oh, World of mine? Who is it that delights to warm your face, and who is it that calls your name in the morn? Say it is me, and I will melt into the sky…

Wip-004: Deedlit

This next week should be much better than the last one… I hope.

It’s been a long time since I’ve been scared of something. I mean, I don’t get scared of much of anything these days. I was afraid of dying though on Friday. I don’t think it was because I would have to own up to all of the stuff I’ve done, but I think, rather, that I was afraid of all that I hadn’t done yet. Long story short, I’m fine, but everything seems to crash down on you all at one time. It’s hard to get up, but you do it anyway. You do it because there’s stuff you’ve left undone. There are things you’ve yet to see through. I can’t tell you how much that rings true for me.