everything except himself

But these ghost come alive, like water and wine,
And walk through these streets
Singing songs and carrying signs…

So look in my eyes,
What will you leave behind when you’ve gone?

I didn’t think a book could change me so much. Granted, I do really like the author’s style, but it is more so the controversy the book explores. I think it explains a lot about why I am what I am. I mean, wait, I’m too far ahead of myself. The book is The Haunted Woman, by David Lindsay. It compares one woman’s choices to those wholly accepted by Britain’s “society.” It’s intensely funny, if you really read into it. It’s definitely a romance, though the first five chapters are somewhat boring in that respect. You’re welcome to borrow my copy of it, if you don’t mind that I’ve written notes all over it.

Now, the part that applies to me (I’m sure some of you were starting to wonder… ), is that there are two guys involved with this woman (actually, she’s probably just turned 19 or 20). One of them travels in the same circles as she does and offers her acceptance and a physical relationship, but the other, who is considerably older and once-married already, is discovered to be “something” (this is what the book seeks to explore in relation to societally arranged marriages) more desireable to the woman. She is, however, already engaged to the first man, and this obviously creates the possibility of her losing her reputation in society.

For all that, there are some incredibly good lines in the book — I won’t ruin anything; I promise:

On a side note, SPSU is not a rain-friendly campus. I got soaked, head to toe.

Painting Exercise: Work-in-Progress #001

Well, in my never-ending quest to find something to keep me occupied between studying, I’d decided to make use of my Wacom tablet and pick up digital painting. It’s obviously not finished yet, but that’s a start. I’ve still got to do the face, arms, and legs, blend the color layers together better, add the lighting stuff, and add lines for emphasis. On a side note, that’s not my sketch, and I can’t remember where I found it at. Oh, well.

College is a very interesting place. There are a lot of people here, and they’re all different. However, I really haven’t found any interesting ones yet. Well, I take that back, there have been one or two. Then again, I haven’t had much time out of my dorm room for all the homework I’ve been doing: Calc. II - 2/2 Assignments (5.1 and 5.2), Speech - 1/1 Assignment (topic options: 10; I’ve got some really good one’s, and you’ll definitely hear about them later), CS - 0/1 Assignment (Chapters 1 -3… well, I don’t actually have a book yet, but I know this junk — literally — already), and 1301 - 0/1 Assignment (35 questions about Java and binary numbers… yay…)

The Greek rush stuff needs to end. I’m about as happy with Frats as I am with telemarketers right now, but that’s an entirely different story.

Well, I have 1 more new class. I am hoping that since the other class (1301-something) is not just some extra add-on we-think-you-should-know-this (i.e. Java) and that it is actually the class that I’ll be going to tomorrow (1301-something else). I’m not very lucky lately, so it probably is. That makes me sad, but, contrary to popular belief, I am enjoying college. However, I’m probably not enjoying it the way you think I should be, but I am my own man. You are not me. (Actually, you should be pretty glad that you’re not; that makes you an individual, unique.)

So, day two of college is almost over. It’s better than yesterday, though I have more classes. Today, I did make it to breakfast. Food makes life so much better; however, “dinner,” which I just ate, makes me sad to think that I’ll be eating on campus for the rest of this year. I also think that it should be illegal to blare country music. It’s atrocious, and 99% of the Frats/Soroieties seem to enjoy it. I’m glad I don’t live very close to the student center. That might kill me.

Anyway, still only have 1 book… Speech doesn’t require a book, though the teacher has already informed us that the class will involve a metric ton of research. Wonderful… I’m 3 minutes away from my first Comp. Sci. Lab. I’m hoping that we won’t do anything in there (since I haven’t had the class yet; I have it Thursday), and they’ll let us leave. Oh, well. Then it’s back to the room for more quality alone time. Really, though, this is like Summer all over again, except I have to wake up around my classes. It’s a pity, but I guess it’s a necessary evil.

So, I’ve moved into the dorms. My room assignment was changed without even notifying me of the change, yet we had to sign a contract for our assigned room… I don’t remember reading that they could move you without permission. Okay, but I’m not complaining, since I no longer have a roommate. See? I’m abominable and even the college knows it.

Anyway, I’m on the 4th floor, so I’m on the only floor with girls, all 36 of ‘em. Class starts tomorrow. Well, only my Calc II class, which is over 50 minutes past 1pm, but I’ve yet to buy any of my books. Why? I can’t find where they list what books are for what classes at all. Oh, well. I’ll probably be buying my Calc II book(s) after class tomorrow.

Oh, by the way, carrying all your stuff up 4 flights of stairs is so not fun…

I think that it’s that we think we love something and the something itself doesn’t even exist. I mean, there was something there, but it’s not the something that we obsess about. I think we mould it to be what we want, when there is indeed something or someone there that was real. I think we forget about them, and I think to soil our memories of such realities is… is wrong. To pervert those people into things that they were not and, indeed, are not is something that we should strive not to do.

I don’t remember when it was that I got this way. For whatever reason, I’m trying to change. However, if I myself change and become “me,” then have “I” really changed? Is it that I change, or is it that I develop? Am I retroactive… er, well, am I sublime? Does my “self” exist as one entity? It is like a hand reaching backwards and I am like one reaching forward. Sometimes I withdraw, but ever I push onward through Time. My fate is what I live, and Fate is nothing more than certainty. Certainty is then certitude, my most valued posession; it is Truth. I walk across the words that have already been recorded on the ledger, but it is my decision to walk across them. It has always been my decision to walk across them. Indeed, and one day I will have walked far enough, and I will walk through my ending and stop. I do not think I will merely disappear, though. I think that, given what I am, I will be better acquainted with where I am put and for what reason I am there. Do you not think, then, that Fate must have an author? Or that Truth must have witness? Who is it that breathes the words of our lives upon the eternal page? I, alas, am but the audience, yet to read on is to advance toward the end, and I cannot look back, because to look back is to look forward. I am looking forward to the end.

Mmm, watched the movie “Leon: The Professional”. It was pretty good, though there were parts that made you question the actuality of something like that happening. I won’t ruin it for you if you haven’t seen it, but it’s basically about an assassin who takes in this orphan girl that humanizes him. Her character is quite awkward, though. Anyway, college is just 2 weeks away for me. I guess we’ll see how that goes.

“Grow up.”

That’s what I’m being told. I’ve felt awful for the past couple of days because I’ve been so… well, me. I mean, don’t get me wrong, being who I am isn’t wrong, but I tend to offend people a lot with the jokes that I make. I didn’t take it seriously, either. Now, though, looking back, I should have. I’ve let myself become something that I don’t like and that I wouldn’t condone. People say things out of defense for themselves, but I think sometimes they also say them to our benefit. If no one resisted anyone else, each one of us would become a mess. Some people do; watch them. You’re probably one of them or have been one of them. It’s cool; I don’t think less of you, but I do see more of you. I hope, though, that you can see in what people say to you that some of those people care about you. Drop the ego, turn around, and look at the wreck that you are, because you are a wreck. Recognize that not everything is good for you, much less for others, even if it doesn’t directly affect them. The effects (read “consequences”) are, while not objectively or subjectively the same, dangerous to both parties. Grow up, as I am trying to do. Act your age, as I should have done. Learn from your mistakes, and I have made enough of these already. Wake up from your dream world, since you aren’t who you think you are now.

College is not as far away as it used to be. I’m more adapted to where I’ll live at already, but, as with other things, adaptation is not always the best route to take. Don’t simply take things for what they are. Find out what they really are and not simply what they appear or, rather, what you perceive them to be. “Your best days will all vanish in the haze…”

So, today I, known here onward as the Lost, had to go turn in a housing contract, the Headache, to the school, henceforth known as the Man. So, the Lost gave the Headache to the Man, and then tried to leave Atlanta, known as the Town, going down 285, the Road, North, the Way. However, the Lost found out that the Way was wrong, so he took the Other Way, 285 South, to I-20, the Other Road. Eventually, the Lost made it home, known as Paradise, and now the Entry, what you’re reading, is over. (I-20 is a fun place to drive on for 2 hours. All you have to do is pay for gas, the Price, $14.66.)

You know, sometimes I think that people don’t quite know how much they mean to other people. For instance, I hadn’t worked for about a week and, upon returning to work, I was told that there were a lot of rumors running around about me. One of them involved me dying in a car crash (or being in intensive care), while another one had me quitting the job for some reason. The employee that told me the first one said she almost broke into tears when she heard it. Heh, mind you, this girl is a bit dramatic about everything, but I started laughing. Then, because I wanted to know who started it, I was asking around about the rumors and another girl said that, if I died in a wreck for real, I would be so sorry I had because she would bring me back to life and kill me. Endearing words, no? Point proven, though, if only to me.

I’ve seen lots of people though since school has been out. There have been my friends; there have been my former classmates; and, there have been people I think that I’d like to know as friends. Like, well, this is odd, but, when Jessie & Morgan stopped by my work while on a shopping spree, I started to think about Susan. Now, I don’t even know her, but she’s made an attempt to catch my attention everytime she’s been up at my work and seen me, as though she already were an old friend of mine. Who knows why; it’s welcome.

At any rate, I have to be on campus on the 20th (of August) for housing, and, after that, it’s the start of college. That’s it; it’s starting. From here, I hope, the only way is upward. However, I can see that, though not for me, there will be obstacles many of the people that I know will be facing. No, they are not illegal substances, but the very substance of adulthood. Some, I think it will suffice to say, will try to avoid it altogether, and this will ultimately break things apart in their lives and hurt people around them. Oh, well, all’s well that ends well.